


Air to Breathe

by Akiko_Natsuko



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Aftermath of battle, Character Death, Denial, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Loss, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-17 06:14:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16510880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_Natsuko/pseuds/Akiko_Natsuko
Summary: As long as there is air you can breathe...until you can't. The cost of the final battle was more than Erza ever wanted to find, and she's left to find a way to breathe once more.





	Air to Breathe

    It felt as though all the air had just been sucked out of the room. Out of the world. The sound of her pounding heart deafening in her ears as she froze, staring at the sobbing girl beside her. Meredy was doubled over under the force of her sobs, missing the wide-eyed look of horror that swept over Erza’s face for the briefest moment, before denial chased it way, walls crashing down to protect her from the reality of the other girl’s words. _She’s lying. She had to be lying._ Frantic denials were racing through her mind, even as a sick feeling seeped through her shaky defences, settling like a leaden weight in the pit of her stomach. _It’s a lie…_ It didn’t sound convincing even in her own mind, because it had been a miracle that she had survived, that any of them had survived. The rational part of her knew that there had to be a cost, but not this…there was no way…

“What…did you say?” She knew that it was her voice, but it sounded foreign to her own ears and from the way that Meredy’s head shot up at her words, something hadn’t sounded right to her either, but Erza couldn’t bring herself to care. _It’s fine. Everything is fine._

“Jellal…” Meredy visibly hesitated, nervous as she studied Erza and in a distant part of her mind, the one not currently buzzing with denials, Erza wondered what she was looking for and what she had found, as Meredy paled before swallowing. “Jellal is gone.” There it was, the same words that she had whispered only a few minutes before and Erza watched numbly as fresh tears trickled down her cheeks as Meredy stared at her, clearly waiting for a response. However, Erza was frozen, and when she finally moved it was to squeeze her eyes shut, wanting to block out the sincerity of Meredy’s grief even as she began to shake her head in denial, as though that simple action would be enough to change what the other girl was telling her. “Erza...he’s…”

“Don’t!” Erza snarled, far harsher than she had intended and her eyes flew open just in time to see Meredy recoiling, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. Not when there wasn’t enough air in the room for her to catch her breath, a vice tightening in her chest and not when it felt as though her heart was slowly beginning to rip itself apart in her chest. Not when the only person she wanted to see wasn’t by her side where he was supposed to be. Where he had promised to be. “Don’t say it… just don’t.” If they didn’t say it aloud then it wasn’t real, and she couldn’t let it be real because that would mean…

_It can’t be real. It’s a lie…it’s a lie._

“Erza…”

“DON’T!” This time it came out as a raw, broken scream and she was vaguely aware of voices cutting off in the distance, but then her world narrowed down to the warm arms that had just been wrapped around her and for a moment she let herself fall into them. _It’s a lie…_ Eventually though she blinked, focusing on the person hugging her and immediately wishing that she hadn’t, as instead of the beloved blue that she had been expecting, her rapidly blurring vision was filled with pink. Realisation hit her, and she found herself fighting tooth and nail against the tears that were now threatening to fall, even as she struggled to free herself from the now unwanted hug. If she didn’t let it in, then it wasn’t real… it wasn’t true.

_It was a lie._

“Jellal is dead,” Meredy’s voice was barely above a whisper and yet it broke through the suffocating haze that was settling over Erza, and for a moment she froze completely, unable to breathe, unable to cry. Three little words. Just three little words, each of them hurting more than she had ever though possible, a howl of agony fighting to escape as they cut into her, but she couldn’t let it out, because once she did it would be real. Everything would be real. _It’s a lie._ Without thinking she lashed out, not sure what she was trying to push away, the resulting cry of pain falling on deaf ears as Meredy fell aside, clutching a now reddened cheek and gazing up at her in alarm.

    Freed, Erza scrambled to her feet, barely feeling the pain that the movement sent shooting through her body and ignoring the whimper that she hadn’t fully been able to suppress. She was ignoring a lot of things, including the fact that she was lucky to be alive, let alone able to move, and that she was probably doing more damage to herself with each unsteady step she took. She didn’t care. All that she could focus on right now was finding Jellal and proving Meredy and those three little words wrong, showing them that it was a lie.

“Where is he?” She demanded.

“Erza,” Meredy pleaded, forgetting her own injuries as she reached out to try and stop the older girl from moving, although she was unsurprised when Erza managed to evade her even as she swayed unsteadily. “Please.” _Please don’t do this._

“Where. Is. He?” Erza repeated, enunciating each word slowly in a cold voice that promised pain if she didn’t get a reply. Meredy hesitated for a moment, hearing the threat but still debating what to do. Erza was still supposed to be confined to bed, but there was no way the requip mage was going to go back without a fight right now, and despite her injuries, Meredy doubted that she was any less dangerous than normal. And maybe…maybe seeing him, seeing the truth was what she needed. She closed her eyes for a moment, her heart aching at the thought of having to see him again, let alone at the thought of having to witness the moment that Erza realised that it wasn’t a lie. _What choice do I have though?_ It was clear that Erza wasn’t going to back down, and she sighed, opening her eyes again and turning her attention back to the other girl who was swaying worse than ever.

“I’ll take you to him, but you have to let me help you move,” Meredy managed to sound stern despite the tears clogging up her voice, green eyes hard as she met Erza’s gaze and held it, and after a long moment the older girl nodded reluctantly in agreement. Cautiously, mindful of the bandages covering most of Erza’s body she slipped her arm around her, unsurprised when most of the red-head’s weight came to rest on her as they began to move forward with unsteady steps, but she didn’t dare suggest that this was a bad idea.

_Please don’t let this be a mistake…_

**

    Erza had been in one of the spare bedrooms at the back of the guild and it was only as they made their way slowly down the hallway, passing other rooms that had been turned into makeshift bedrooms and the infirmary that she began to grasp the enormity of the aftermath. There didn’t seem to be an empty bed anywhere, and makeshift ones had been made up and crammed into every available corner and it wasn’t just her own guildmates. She spotted Sting from Sabertooth curled up beside a heavily bandaged Rogue, with their Exceeds hovering anxiously beside them, and she could have sworn that she’d just caught a glimpse of Kagura and Millianna. It occurred to her through the strange haze that had settled over her once more that she should be asking about them, and that she should be checking that her teammates were okay…that they were alive…but it was impossible to focus on anything but those three little words.

   Meredy carefully waved off a couple of people that tried to approach them as she guided Erza through to the back room, relieved when they glanced at Erza’s expression before quietly giving way and moving off in the opposite direction. She knew that there was no way that this was going to go well, and she didn’t want Erza to end up regretting anything she said in her grief. She faltered for a moment outside of the room, unsure if she was ready for this, let alone whether Erza was, but the requip mage was clearing her throat impatiently and threatening to pull out of her grip and Meredy sighed. Gathering her tattered courage, she guided Erza into the room, feeling her stiffen as she took in the dozen or so still forms that had been carefully laid out in the room.

“So many…”

“We were lucky really,” Meredy whispered, not feeling lucky at all, but also trying not to imagine how much worse it could have been. If it hadn’t been for Lyon then she might well have been one of the people in this room, and if Jellal hadn’t seen the attack that had been launched at Erza’s back whist she was struggling to get back to her feet, then the red-head would have been here too. Although Erza might not appreciate that fact if…when…she learnt that Jellal had thrown himself into the path of the attack, using his own body as a shield because there hadn’t been enough time for him to do anything else. Pushing those thoughts aside and ignoring the disbelieving glance her comment had earned she slowly helped Erza across to the far corner, fresh grief blossoming in her chest as her gaze turned to the shrouded form on the ground.

    Making sure that Erza could support her own weight for a couple of minutes at least she moved forward, glancing back at the red-head who was standing frozen where she had left her, her eyes fixed on the still form although there was no sign that the reality of the situation had hit her yet. Scrubbing briefly at her cheeks to clear the tears, Meredy hesitated for a moment before reaching down and slowly removing the blanket that been used to cover him, a sob welling up as she found himself staring into his face. _He looks so peaceful._ In all the time she had known him, the only time she had seen him with that expression had been when he was with Erza and she prayed that wherever he was now, he knew that his sacrifice had been successful.

    Hearing a strangled noise from behind her she turned back to look at Erza, hoping to see some form of comprehension on her face, but Erza was slowly shaking her head in continued denial even as she staggered the last few steps to his side.

“Jellal?” Erza’s voice was trembling as she sank down beside him, her breath catching in her throat again as she reached out to shake him. _No, don’t be dead…you’re not dead…you’re not._ Her fingers curled into the material of his coat, just as she had imagined doing so many times. “Jellal, it’s over. We did it, we won…so open your eyes for me. Please…”

“Erza…”

“Stay back!” Erza snarled, leaning over Jellal protectively even as she added desperately. “He’s just resting… he’s just resting.” Deep down she knew that wasn’t the case and it felt as though the air around her was growing thinner as the truth began to slip through her walls, breaking through the haze of her denial. She could feel her eyes beginning to well up as she took in his too still chest, her fingers trembling as she reached up to brush them against his cheek, recoiling at the coolness of his skin. _No…_  The illusion was shattering, reality pressing in. “Jellal! JELLAL!” She was shrieking now, howling as her denial shattered beneath the weight of the truth and she fell against his chest as sobs began to wrack her, pushing Meredy away when the younger girl tried to comfort her.

_It isn’t a lie…_

_You promised me we would come through this together…_

****

    It had been hours before Erza finally allowed Meredy to pull her away from his side, and by that point her eyes were completely dry, the pain too deep now for tears. The feeling of suffocating lingered, intensifying as she let Meredy guide her back to her bed, noticing the worried and pitying looks that everyone was sending in her direction and she had to look down, staring at the ground, not ready to accept their feelings. Not ready to accept her own. It was almost a relief to get back to her room… _almost…_ However, she knew that she had to ask, that she had to know what had happened before she could even think of doing anything else. He had been right there with her in the thick of battle, she had felt his magic at her back, and yet she couldn’t remember what had happened. The last clear memory she had was of the pain of her injuries as she struggled back to her feet, and the sight of Natsu rushing past her, charging directly for Zeref, but then everything had faded away.

    She waited until she was settled back in bed, knowing that she wasn’t ready to hear the answer and that she wasn’t going to like it, and wishing that she didn’t need to ask. However, she owed him the courage to hear the truth and she swallowed. “What happened? How did he…?” She trailed off, unable to bring herself to speak it aloud even if she was no longer in denial, but just that was enough to have the realisation hitting her all over again and she gasped. _Jellal is dead…_ Three little words, and yet they had the power to pull the air out of the world again and she felt her eyes beginning to sting again as she curled her hands into fists, refusing to let them fall. _Not yet, I have to know._

“I…” Meredy hesitated, not wanting to add to Erza’s pain when it was clear that she was still reeling from having her denial shattered, but at the same time she knew that it wouldn’t make the truth any easier even if she did wait.

“Please…Meredy…I need to know.”

“It was just before you went down,” Meredy began haltingly, unable to bring herself to look at Erza as she spoke, instead clutching at her knees, her grip hard enough to bruise as she cast her mind back to the fight, fairly sure that she would never forget that battle. Although she doubted that anyone who’d been there would be able to forget it, fresh tears slipping down her cheeks. _We lost so much._ She lifted a shaking hand to brush them away, refusing to let herself fall apart whilst Erza remained dry-eyed. “You were fighting, and everyone else who was close to you was down or fighting too…and then you went down, just as one of Zeref’s demons targeted you. No one else could help, and there was no time to stop it…”

“No…”

“There was no way you would’ve survived its attack, and Jellal…he…. he…”

“Meredy…” _Please, please don’t say it was because of me._  But she already knew the answer, even before Meredy shook her head unable to continue, eyes shimmering with tears. Erza knew, just as she knew that he wouldn’t have hesitated in the slightest. Just as she wouldn’t have hesitated if their roles had been reversed, and she squeezed her eyes shut, beginning to weep, silently this time and she made no protest when Meredy gingerly wrapped her up in a hug.

_Jellal._

****

    There still wasn’t enough air for her to breathe easily, even days later when she allowed Mirajane and Meredy to lead her carefully into Kardia Cathedral. Makarov had insisted that Jellal was going to be buried as a Fairy Tail mage, refusing to yield to the Council, and his eyes had been soft when he had told her that it wasn’t just for her sake, but for Jellal’s as well. He had fought alongside them, defended them, and it was because of him that Erza was still with them. He was as much a Fairy Tail mage as the rest of them. That had been the moment she’d come closest to cracking, the pressure in her chest unbearable as tears had trickled down her cheeks. She’d wanted to thank him, had wanted to explain how much that would have meant to Jellal, but the words wouldn’t come, although she had a feeling that Makarov had already known.

   Sitting there in the front row, she refused to look at the casket laid out at the front, instead turning and letting her gaze travel over her guildmates as they quietly filed inside, nearly all of them were here for her and the gesture warmed her heart even if she couldn’t show it right now. It was painful in its own way to look at them, because whilst her closest friends had survived, not one of them had come through the ordeal unscathed. Gray was leaning heavily on Juvia and Lyon for support as they guided him inside, a deep wound that stretched from his shoulder to naval had very nearly added him to those they’d lost, and it was still healing. It was doubtful that Wendy would ever regain full mobility in her leg, whilst Laxus would take months if not years to fully heal from his wounds and it remained to be seen if his magic would ever be the same again.

    However, the worst was Natsu. The pink-haired teen was hidden towards the back although she had glimpsed him earlier, Lucy tucked in against his side constantly whispering to him, and Erza wished that she had the words to speak to him. To say something, because his magic was gone. He was no longer E.N.D…. no longer a Dragon-slayer…no longer a mage. That had been the price he had paid to defeat Zeref and save them all, and yet despite that loss he had approached her the day after he’d woken in the infirmary to apologise for being too late to save Jellal. _It wasn’t your fault,_ was what she’d wanted to say but the words hadn’t come, and even though she had hugged him and tried to convey the fact that she didn’t blame him, she knew that he still blamed himself. Just as she blamed herself and the fates that had always kept them apart.

_We just weren’t meant to have a happy ending…_

**

    In all honesty she couldn’t remember much about the service, even years later when the pain had faded to a dull ache, it remained little more than a blur of murmured words and tears. Jellal wasn’t there, he was already gone, and with the suffocating haze in her mind and heart she hadn’t been ready to say her farewells just yet. The other funerals that had followed had passed in a familiar daze, and whilst she had attended them all, her thoughts were ever on her own loss. _Jellal…_ She hadn’t been able to bring herself to attend the part the guild had thrown at the end of the week, even though she hadn’t objected, knowing that they needed to celebrate the fact that they had survived, and the war was over, and to send those they’d lost off in proper Fairy Tail style.

     Instead she’d slipped away to the cemetery, uncomplaining when Meredy had followed her, the pair of them sitting silently in front of his grave late into the evening. Perhaps in the future they would be able to share tales of the man they had known and loved, but for now it was too soon.

_You were supposed to be by my side when we won._

*

    Hours passed, then days and eventually weeks. The grief never disappeared, and she doubted that it ever would, not completely, not when their whispered promises of the future they wanted if they won still echoed in her heart. However, slowly it was becoming easier for her to breathe. Fairy Tail was slowly picking up the pieces, and although there would be no bouncing back from the wounds caused by the war it helped. _Jellal protected this, he fought for this._ How could she not keep moving forward when she knew that, although with those thoughts came the pain from the fact that he wasn’t there to see what he had fought to protect with his own eyes.

    She was there when Crime Sorcière were granted a pardon by the newly reformed Council, tears on her cheeks as Meredy came and presented her with Jellal’s pardon. Meredy had already joined Fairy Tail, desperately needing somewhere to belong now that both members of her makeshift family were gone, and Erza welcomed her presence, needing someone else who had truly known Jellal. The others, the former Oracion Sèis, had decided to keep the guild going as a tribute to the man who had given them a chance to atone and ultimately a future of their own to look forward to. And she found that it was easier to breathe when she realised that Jellal wasn’t going to be forgotten.

_Jellal, do you see what you achieved?_

****

    It was months later, her wounds fully healed at last although she would always bear the scars, that she had finally gone on a job with Meredy. Her team was still in tatters and none of them had the heart to reform the team once they’d realised that Natsu couldn’t fight with them anymore. He was still a member of the guild, he always would be, but his days were spent either behind the bar or helping Yajima in his restaurants and none of them had wanted to leave him behind or remind him of what he had lost. It had been strange to leave them behind, unable to recall the last time she had been on job without them, but it had helped, going out and working again and she had found it oddly easy to adapt to having Meredy by her side. The younger girl had rarely left her side since Jellal had died, always seeming to know when Erza needed to be alone with her grief, or silently materialising when she knew that the requip mage needed someone there and Erza knew that it was Meredy that had stopped her from completely armouring her heart again.

   It wasn’t one-sided though. On the one hand she knew how close Meredy and Jellal had been, and how much Jellal had cared for the younger mage especially after Ultear’s sacrifice and she wanted to at least watch out for her to honour that bond, but it was more than that. She owed her own debt to Meredy for staying beside her, even though the times when her anger had gotten the better of her grief and Meredy had borne the brunt of those outbursts, but again it wasn’t just that. Meredy was a Fairy Tail mage now, she was family, and that gave Erza even more reason to keep moving forwards, because you don’t die for your friends and family.

You lived for them.

_Jellal, we’re both finding a way to move forwards…_

**

    It was on the anniversary of the battle that she realised she could breathe without any difficulty. The pain was still there, and it probably always would be, in one form or another, but she could breathe, and her hands were steady as she laid the bouquet of red roses on his grave. _‘Scarlet, the colour of your hair,’_ her lips curled up at the memory, the smile sad as she reached out and laid a hand on top of the stone. A year ago, she could never have imagined that she would get to this stage, and whilst her voice wobbled slightly, and tears trickled down her cheeks, there was no hesitation in her words as she murmured. “Thank you.”

_Thank you for the life you gave me._


End file.
